On Loneliness

Loneliness appears to be a universal human state of being at one time or another.  It is also one of the most painful things to experience.  Let's distinguish between "being alone" and "feeling alone".  Sometimes being alone is freeing and wonderfully refreshing, but feeling alone is not.  It is draining and discouraging, and that is what I am focusing on in this blog.

I recall the most devastating experiences of loneliness when I was in a relationship, and could not connect to the other person.  I felt isolated and alone, and this was made worse by the fact that there was another person next to me, and there was an uncrossable chasm between us.  How many times did I tell myself that I'd rather live alone on the moon than be in a relationship where I felt so desperately lonely?

I think of all of us living in cities and communities, feeling isolated from each other.  It seems almost impossible that we could feel this way, but we do.  We're alone in an ocean of people who also feel alone.  It is one of the many paradoxes of life.  At these times, we may as well live alone on the moon or in a cave on a remote mountain.

So who will be there for me when I am alone and lonely?  I have three answers.

The first is, it is important to build a support system, even if it only consists of one or two reliable people.  For some, it may even include a counsellor, a paid support worker, a 12-step sponsor or a social worker.  Ideally, we need to have someone who loves and cares about us and can be there for us, and the bigger the network, the better.

But what if they let us down?  What if they are busy with their own life and problems, or they don't answer the phone or they are just plain grumpy or emotionally unavailable?  That leads us to the second answer.  We must learn how to be there for ourselves.  In fact, I believe there is a direct correlation between really taking care of ourselves, and the ability or instance of others being there for us. 

Who knows our needs better than us?  Who is more responsible for me than me?  How often do we get angry at others for not being there for us when we refuse to be there for ourselves?  It is time to learn how to meet that need in ourselves.  There are times we are called on to be our own best company. 

Answer number three is this:  the unseen realm.  Examine your beliefs and see who is there for you.  Is it the angels? the ascended masters? God? universal energy? the power of nature?  It is that something that we intuitively know is out there, and therefore within us, that will never let us down.  Our friends may not show up to our parties and we may abandon ourselves over and over, but the realm of the energy of love will never falter.

So when you are experiencing the pain of loneliness, take the time to honour this feeling.  Acknowledge it, feel it, check it for any messages it may be bringing, then let it go.  Let it flow out of you like a stream of water.  Breathe deeply and release, release.  Then remember that you are never really alone.  You are connected to all of humanity, and all our brothers and sisters share in this pain.  That in itself may make you feel a little less isolated.

Call on your guardian angels, or the Archangels, for comfort.  Michael is there to protect you; Jophiel is there to bring beauty to your thoughts and your life; Raguel's role is to balance and strengthen relationships.  Access the amazing unseen energetic world to help you through this difficult time.

Take good care of yourself.  Ask yourself if you have abandoned yourself, and what could be done to nurture or pamper yourself.  Sometimes giving yourself a footrub, making a nice cup of tea or even having a good cry might be just what you need.

And reach out to your friends!  Don't phone to complain; phone to tell them you miss them and value them!  Set up a coffee date or Skype with a long-distance pal; plan a movie night.  Shoot off an email telling a friend something that will brighten his/her day.  Send a cute animal picture or funny joke that is meaningful to the recipient.  Feel grateful that there are these people in your life.  By adding gratitude to the mix, you begin to pop out of loneliness and desperation.   

Here's a secret:  be of service in as many ways possible, and you will find your loneliness vapourizing and disappearing.  It is our ego's self-centred tendencies that make us feel lonely in the first place.  It encourages us to disconnect from the matrix of life and dwell on our isolation and separateness.  Once we put ego in its place, we open back up and truly understand that we are never really alone.

Reaching back to the seventeenth century, we find John Donne's timeless words about the web of life, and how we affect each other.  They still ring true today.

No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.